Now, Voyager (1942)Boston spinster blossoms under therapy and finds impossible romance. (IMDB)
Poor Auntie Charlotte. No love. No future. No tweezers. Luckily, psychiatric care and some time at a loom prepare her for a makeover, adultery, matricide and child stealing - followed by a commitment to long term sexual sublimation and a dedication to smoking that has rarely been matched on the silver screen. Gather scotch or your favorite 1940's cocktail or aperitif. Popcorn, Ice and either tiny scissors or tweezers will also be needed.
Every time the camera cuts to a closeup of the deeply yuglified Bette Davis - shudder, yell "YIKES!" and then take a sip of scotch.
When Auntie Charlotte has her epiphany at the loom, shout "I've got to get to Elizabeth Arden's"... and then take a shot!
Go to the bathroom and trim your eyebrows (inexpertly applying lip rouge is optional).
Resume film at your leisure with the following cues:
Whenever Charlotte/Camille looks Dewey-eyed at married architect Jerry, scream "Whore!" and throw popcorn at the screen.
Whenever Jerry lights two cigarettes and hands one to Charlotte/Camille, hack three times loudly, sip your scotch and then quietly whisper "Smoothie."
Whenever Mother Vale says anything passive aggressive after Charlotte returns to Boston, sip your scotch and say "Mother, why must we play these games?"
Whenever Charlotte says anything self-deprecating, self-loathing or self-accusatory - swirl your glass so that the ice cubes clink and hiss "That's because you're just no good!" * Note: Keep lots of ice on hand
Whenever Charlotte/Camille puts her arms around poor, doomed Tina, swig heavily from your glass and say "Unhand that child, Eleanor Roosevelt!"
Earn Extra Points:
Keep count of the cigarettes smoked - compare notes with friends.
Whenever the hired nurse is on screen, use your best Bette Davis inflections and say "Didn't I see you in Sister Act?"
Pillow Talk (1959)
Rock and Doris, Doris and Rock ...who the hell do you think you're fooling. Apparently everyone. This movie is just one, long gay in-joke. Someone was having a grand old time and I am stunned that Rock and Tony allowed the writers to get that close to their impenetrable, double locked custom made cedar closets.
Or, was the American movie audience really just that clueless? Well, we can still enjoy the "naughty" banter and Doris Day's hinder packed so tightly into a foundation garment that she can barely breathe. Truly, she has the most glorious (and hermetically sealed) uni-butt ever captured on celluloid.
It is really quite a sight.
Also featuring Tony Randall as the typical period eunuch and Mr. Thelma Ritter as the old, horny queen in haphazard, drunken bag lady drag (Isn't he great?). Mix a pitcher of your favorite late '50s or early '60's cocktails. Stingers, a nice Tom Collins or anything with a sour mix might all be a good choices. You will need soap bubbles for blowing, a roll of plastic wrap and you should be prepared to both sing and dance - so think comfy clothes.
Whenever Doris or Rock hangs up a phone angrily, say "Hmmph!" and take a sip.
Whenever Alma complains about not having a man, raise both hands in the air, shout "Holla!" and then take two sips.
Whenever Doris or Rock say anything vaguely risque, take a quick sip and then say... "You. Go. Girl." snapping your fingers, Diva-style on each word.
Whenever random women make a move on Rock, take a good slug of your drink and yell "He's GAAAAAAY!"
Whenever Doris handles art or points at something decorative, sigh "How pretty!" and take a sip.
Whenever Tony Randall shows up in a scene, greet him by squealing "NAAAAAAncy Boy!" ...drinking is optional at these points as the squealing is so much fun.
Pause the movie in the nightclub scene just as Doris is getting up to dance with the 37 year old drunken college boy. Take your plastic wrap and use it to create your homage to the bound and tortured glutes of our golden girl. When packaged tightly, restart the movie and wag your tochis along with Miss Day to the intoxicating bossa beat as Rock looks on in marvelously feigned enchantment.
Pause the movie again when in voice-over, Doris says "What an attractive man" as she looks saucily at "Rex Stetson." It is now time to stage a mandatory musical number. Content can be your choice as well as presentation style - but I personally prefer singing and dancing to the 'breakdown' section of En Vogue's immortal "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)"
Youtube clip provided below- breakdown starts at 03:05.
Go ahead, baby. Shake that thang.
Refill your glasses, settle in - making sure that your bubbles are at hand and then brace yourself for the split camera, sexy, sexy bathtub scene.
Blow bubbles for ambiance while taking turns shouting raunchy suggestions and replacement dialogue. Extra points for invention, originality and outright vulgarity. Drink freely and shower your viewing guests with praise and encouragement.
All of the above should provide a full night's entertainment.
For those seeking added thrills or extra points the following optional activities have been included.
When Rock drags Doris through the streets of New York clad only in jammies and an electric blanket, feel free to struggle, kick your feet furiously and scream along.
As Rock's redecorated apartment is shown, react audibly to each new horror as it is revealed. Award points for the best gobsmacked reaction.
In a secondary storyline, a Doctor and Nurse suspect that Rock is the world's first pregnant man. At the close of each scene, have a designee using their most pompous tone say "Well, he IS covered in semen." and then clink glasses all 'round.
Sing along with any or all tunes. There are several throughout the movie including many variations on Rock's seduction song. Aping the original style of the singers is encouraged along with loud and tuneless singing verging on hoots and whoops. Song sheets may be helpful and can be easily created on a mimeograph machine by one of the little gals from your steno pool. Big additional points for rewriting lyrics to suit your mood, personal taste, political agenda or sick, sick sense of humor.
Have a suggestion for a classic movie drinking game? Want to see your film favorites in a whole new light? Leave me a note in the comments box and we'll just see what we can come up with!